Yesterday, I started therapy. I probably shouldn’t say “started” because I’ve been in some sort of talk therapy since the dawn of man. It’s important to me, sorting out the mental things. Just as, if not more important than the physical if you ask me (why doesn’t everyone get this?!) but anyway… So yesterday I started a new TYPE of therapy. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to be exact. It’s like therapy on steroids. Therapy with HOMEWORK. It’s super intense, but also short lived. Unlike every other form of therapy I’ve encountered the goal here is to eventually not need it. 8-12 weeks-ish depending on how many cobwebs you have and you (well I) am out of there.
I’m excited. Really, very excited. Aside from truly enjoying this sort of thing (yes, I’m just that strange) I think this is finally the “ah-ha” that I need. The thing that will finally make the difference. Talk therapy is great, I’m all for it, but for me at least it helps for maybe 48 hours and then my brain takes over. The inate things that have been so ingrained in me rear their ugly little head and I (the me I want to be, know I am underneath it all) gets ran over by the past. I need to retrain my brain.
There are things that I mention in passing around here, things that those super close to me may know a bit about, but mostly I just don’t wanna talk about it. I don’t want my past to define me but it’s inevitable that it does. It has. Growing up for years at the hands of a diagnosed sociopath, a step-”father” who was anything but, enduring his abuse, his crafty, crazy, ingenious methods of mind control. The phsyical. Your brain starts to do all sorts of fun stuff. You become animalistic. On gaurd, ready to pounce, to protect. Which is amazing really. It gets you through.
Unfortunately it’s near impossible to just turn off. When removed from such a situation, when learning to live life in it’s true form, healthy, normal-ish life. This amazing set of abilities just get in the way. They ruin. When soft mushy old me turns on the tough it’s not pretty and these days it’s just plain unnecessary. And oh, am I excited to let that go.
But I’m also scared because it does protect. Because an unplanned pseudo-experiment with friends showed that letting my guard down means I can get hurt. I will. Walked all over and thrown under the bus. But that’s ok. That will happen. My current level of defense is way over the top for any level of mean girl action and in the mean time it’s tearing down the one relationship I value most. Turning me slowly into the one person in this world I loathe and in there’s the unfortunate passing on of baggage to a boy so innocent, that is simply not ok.
And so, yep, I’m committed. Committed to getting down and dirty and rewiring what needs to be, to shedding the tough guy, to shelving the anger, calming anxieties, to being real, for real, the me that I know but keep under wraps. I’m prepared for a bumpy road, for a road hiccuped with the grief that’s so fresh and the guilt of old. I’m looking forward to preparing the me that my husband feels but has been patiently, agonizingly standing by to see launch. I’m feeling the need to leave a trail of apologies but I also feel part of this is shedding that shame and stepping forward.
It’s exhilarating, to say the least.
11 comments
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May 9, 2008 at 11:55 am
RubiaLala
I could have written this myself. I need this kind of therapy, how did you find it? Because I too have gone to traditional therapy for almost two years and it’s like you say – I’m good for two days and then the “me” that I’ve lived with for 29 years takes over. And then there is rescheduling of appointments and now I haven’t seen my therapist for almost two months and I feel like I am about to explode. Why is it that I cannot recall the things he said in his office that were so simple to duplicate the next day but now I don’t know how to do them anymore?
I just came across your site yesterday and then today you post this. That’s pretty cool. I’d love to know how this type of therapy works for you and if after you stop doing it you are able to keep it up.
May 9, 2008 at 1:34 pm
Adventures In Babywearing
I love how you’ve written about shedding the shame and comparing this to your launch. That’s what it is… something big and good about to take place!
Steph
May 9, 2008 at 2:09 pm
To Think is to Create
I am thrilled for you, really. I’ve done some relaxation therapy (I’m wondering if it was hypno) and I don’t know if it’s related at all but it changed my life. Let me let go, for realz.
Love ya.
May 9, 2008 at 2:55 pm
ellinghouse
it sounds exciting….a chance to possibly have a fresh lease on life and do some good shedding. Really well written post. Thanks.
May 9, 2008 at 8:46 pm
Mama C-ta
Oh hun you are so ready to blast off into the real you. I went to an inpatient, super intensive, hospital, although they didn’t call it a hospital. It was more group but we did a lot of that. I went in stone cold, totally guarded and unwilling to talk. By the end I was holding hands spinning in circles singing with the rest of the group. It broke me in a good way to help myself fix me. You’re amazing now, I think I might fear you when you become even more perfect.
“the one relationship I value most.” I love you too
You write so, so beautifully.
May 10, 2008 at 8:27 am
Jen
good luck to you! It is so brave of you to realize you need to let go of this, and that you are taking steps to free yourself.
lots of love,
May 10, 2008 at 1:08 pm
mommy instincts
I am so happy for you. The therapy I went to while pregnant was phenomenal and life changing. I hope you have the same kind of experience with yours. I’m excited for you. Good luck.
Jen
May 10, 2008 at 5:54 pm
JenC
Walk tall and walk proud as you enter a new point in your life. I’m so proud of you and of your strength. Use all of your “junk” as a platform…… You and I have so much in common it’s uncanny. In many ways, thank you. I guess we don’t realize how much we minister to others.
May 11, 2008 at 10:41 am
This Mama's Trip
I have felt this way many times in my life. You seem to have a knack for writing it down in words…I have never been able to do that. I induldged in some anti-anxiety medication action for awhile…until I realized that meds only cover up the true problem about why you are really anxious or depressed or just freakin’ crazy! I too have tried therapy as well…but I feel like my last therapist is more of an enabler than anything. I think that can happen sometimes when you go into therapy with your guard up instead of down. It sounds like you are going into this with your wall down and you’re prepared to unleash the beast of the mind. Good luck! I can’t wait to read about your experience.
Nikki
May 13, 2008 at 4:39 pm
Pinks & Blues Girls
I started a new therapist a few months ago and it has been wonderful. I am weaning off of Zoloft, which I’ve been on since age 15! I think it’s time…! Best of luck to you!
xo,
Jane
May 23, 2008 at 8:05 pm
lookmomlook
Thank your for such a great post! I can identify with the walls and feeling like talk therapy wasn’t really getting down to the meat of the matter. I quit talk therapy months ago. It was so frustrating for me. I have done cognitive beh. therapy before. When I was in junior high of all things. It really works and I am thinking of going for another dose of good medicine. Best of luck! I will stop back here again. I linked over from Mama Speaks.