Category Archive

I’ve been practicing for tomorrow for quite some time and yet the anguish is inevitable. I’m trying to reconcile the celebration and pampering due to my dear, darling husband for the amazing Papa he is and my pain in celebrating Father’s Day for the first time without a Father myself. The only thing I know how to do is to let it be, let it come and take it one moment at a time.

Happy Papa’s Day. You are amazing. We love you so

A week ends and the rest begins. Saturday is our Monday so we’re launching off into busy-ness as the rest of you sigh and settle down. It’s a holiday though, which means after today, David has some time off and we get some always cherished family time. I’m hoping for some rest somewhere amidst the go, go, go. Maybe, just maybe. Today I’ve a photo gig, at a gorgeous park, with friends, and X will be strapped to my back. And then we’re off to a benefit for this amazing family. The days ahead are filled with birthdays and barbeque’s and lets hope, lots of sun. We’ll be in and out and all around and most likely over here a bit too much.

Have a great holiday, weekend, whatever!

A month ago I would have told you I’d had a pretty good year. Weirdness and rough patches for sure but all and all I didn’t have much to gripe about. Until December 11.

Tragedy, loss, finality. One day changed the tone of my entire year past and this year to come. My life, our lives, will never be the same. I’m still sorting through details, still reeling from the shock and torrents of emotion, in a cloud without any end in sight. I am grateful for a new year, for the idea of clean slates and starting over, and maybe it’s age or new experience, but I’ve come to realize that as much as we like to say it, we don’t just get to close the door and begin again. There is always residue- scabs and scars and areas that open and heal becoming tougher, stronger, less vulnerable and because of that, these things just don’t go away. Nor would I want them to.

Last year I was resolved in stillness, I don’t know that I’ve succeeded, but strides were made and I hope to continue.

On a lighter note, in keeping with tradition, here’s my Year in Review…

January- Last New Year’s was a joy
February- So what’s that I’ve been up too?
March- Not my most eloquent post but you get the idea…
April- We’re flying down to Nashville for a few days to visit our dear friends Scott and Carol and baby Liam.
May- Head on over to Mama C-ta to get the answers to all those questions that have been burning your soul.
June- This week I have nursed:
July- So once again I’m up to something… I got the idea to launch a Mama focused review site, full of great products, green tips and worthwhile causes and managed to get some of my favorite Mama’s to jump on board.
August-Drink up…
September-Cook-out Schmook-out. We’re all about the Dino’s today.
October- Once upon a time, Mama and Papa were cool.
November- Doing nothing because I should be doing everything and I don’t want to do it all.
December- What do you think about me changing my name to Grimgrump Rottenshorts?

“Stillness is not the absence or negation of energy, life, or movement. Stillness is dynamic. It is unconflicted movement, life in harmony with itself, skill in action. It can be experienced whenever there is total, uninhibited, unconflicted participation in the in the moment you are in-when you are wholeheartedly present with whatever you are doing”

Last New Year’s was a joy. Yes, X was in the hospital but at 2 weeks old he was on an upswing, had begun breathing a bit on his own and was digesting a bit of my milk via feeding tube. All of this meant more time out of bed and in my arms. New Years Eve, David and I stayed at the hospital and rang in the New Year at Xavier’s bed side with his nurses. New Year’s day was wonderful, for the first time I was able to hold my baby boy hours uninterrupted. David and I went home that night for dinner with a peace we hadn’t known in a while. Our darling was doing so well. The phone rang a few minutes after we’d been home. Hearts sank. David answered. My eyes pleaded. He tried to repeat what they were saying. It was the doctor. That meant trouble. Stopped breathing. Intubated. We couldn’t get back fast enough.

Long story short Xavier had a serious respiratory infection. His throat had clogged with mucus that had probably been draining as I held him upright, but when placed on his back blocked his airway. He completely stopped breathing, had to be bagged and intubated. Put back on the ventilator, a machine taking every breath for him. A few days of fighting, another blood transfusion and slowly our fighter regained momentum.

Fast forward to this year. Glorious New Year’s Eve party with family and friends. Home snuggled together in bed. Excited for the fresh start a new year brings. Looking forward to relaxing New Year’s day, maybe removing every trace of Christmas and getting our house back to normal. Soon we’re fast asleep. David wakes me up about 4am, he’s shaking, tells me he’s freezing and can’t move. I touch him and he’s burning up. Socks and blankets, get him up and moving, heating pad and tea. The chills subside a bit. His stomach is upset too, we suspect food poisoning or the flu. We’re back to sleep soon and he wakes feeling a bit better. After breakfast I head upstairs to indulge in Xavier’s morning nap with him. As soon as I wake up it hits me, I’m freezing, stomach churning… yuck!

It’s the flu I’m convinced. We’re feeling a bit better, still weak but starting to recover. I’m convinced this has become our unwelcome, very unwelcome, New Year’s tradition. Hope your’s is off to a better start!

*I wanted to reference my darling husbands post on this sick stuff… we’re blaming it all on the tattooing…

What a year! We are still recuperating from the holiday’s and excited to see what the new year brings. Stolen from Steph at Adventures in Babywearing and Mama C-ta, here’s my…

January - Happy New Year! We stayed up late with our newborn son- sure he’s in the hospital, but that doesn’t mean we can’t share a sparkling cider with the nurses.

February - Little X was just weighed in; he’s 6 pounds and 8 ounces.

March - So I have officially been a mom for 93 days now and they have been the most purposeful, satisfying, joyous days of my life.

April - Somebody woke up this weekend and decided to be a big boy, the changes 24 hours can bring sometimes are amazing.

May - I’m going through a strange season in my life.

June - Oh it has been a long time!

July - We’ve had a busy week- Xavier’s baptism and picnic celebration, my brother came to visit… and got engaged to the most wonderful girl!

August - Last night Xavier and I got out of the house with our best buddies Steph and Grayson to go to our monthly CHOICES meeting.

September - I read somewhere that adults laugh less than 20 times a day. Children- more than 300.

October - You know how when you start taking a new vitamin your, uh-hem, pee can look a little fluorescent?

November - November is National Prematurity Awareness month, and it only feels natural to devote the bulk of this month’s blogging to that cause.

December - This baby of mine is growing up way too fast.

It’s not about the turkey. Or the football. Or the inevitable argument over dinner. Or keeping the kids away from your creepy Uncle who only comes around once or twice a year. It’s not even about the Pilgrims and Indians and that whole debacle - because when you really think about it, that’s just all kinds of horrible.

It is however, a day to give thanks. To reflect and be grateful. In the past my thanks has been a bit generic, well meant, but generic nonetheless (”I’m grateful for family and friends, and freedom, blah, blah, blah”) This year’s different and I have LOTS to be thankful for.

I am thankful for life. And hope. And faith. And answered prayers. And community. And purpose. And most of all life.

I was content a year ago. I had a baby growing in my tummy, a loving husband, a supportive family. We were buying a house and gearing up for the holidays and happily sailing through life. And then that baby growing in my tummy decided it was time to see this big world with his own eyes a bit too soon. For the first time I was faced head on with life - brand new, never took a breath kind of life, and all the glory that brings. At the same time we faced the possibility that this new life, this little human we branded Xavier wouldn’t be around very long. That life would become death before we had a chance to process the wonder of it all.

So we did the only thing we could- we hoped, and we prayed and we had no choice but to surrender our faith. Of course we prayed for our child to live, prayers both selfish and optimistic. We prayed that if he didn’t live that somehow what little life he’d had was with purpose and left it’s mark in this world. And we soon discovered that we weren’t alone, that people across the continent, across the world really. Friends of friends of friends and people we didn’t know were praying for our boy. For His boy. That households and entire churches had set aside time for little Xavier.

And through it all X fought. Through those first days and weeks and the 11 and 1/4 months that have followed he has taught me more about life and the will to live than I could ever put into words. Seeing someone so small, so fragile, so innocent determined to live against all odds changes the way you look at the world. It brings people together. It changes everything. And for that I am thankful.